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Advice to My Younger Self
by Patti L. Auber, published October 2014
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Have I become wise?
Wisdom is different than knowledge. Knowledge is the accumulation of facts. Wisdom is the discernment that comes from evaluating and using those facts. We often presume that wisdom comes with age. While that is sometimes true, there are still many of the older generation who have no such discernment and therefore no wisdom to offer us. Wise people can be found at any age. Perhaps it would be more useful to say that wisdom comes through experience. The experience itself doesn’t guarantee wisdom, however, but it may be achieved from reflecting thoughtfully on the lessons gained from the experience. Just living to an old age does not create a wise person. Being smart does not guarantee being wise either. Wise people are those who learn to question and doubt. Wise people are those who are not so sure of their sight that they refuse to consider other ideas or opinions. Wise people see the world from multiple perspectives.
From the perspective of my current circumstances of being retired and in my later sixties, I wish I could offer my younger self the benefit of some of the things I’ve learned along the way. Given the theory of relativity and all, is that really impossible to do? I’m not sure, but it’s worth a try, and if what I’m telling my younger self is meaningful to someone else too, well then, so much the better.
So, here goes…
To the almost 21-year-old girl who is dropping out of college to go to New York City to seek her fame and fortune, I would tell her that it’s very hard to go back to college later on. The longer you wait, the more likely it is that life will find a way to sidetrack your plans, and there will never be a better time than when you are unencumbered by the responsibilities that will be settled on you later. I would also tell her that she shouldn’t think of college solely as a training ground for a future career. I would encourage her to take some classes that will expand her mind and make her a more balanced human being. Classes like art, philosophy, history, literature. I’d like to remind her that she is charged with changing the world. If she’s going to do that, she will need to understand how the world got to where it is now. I would also tell her that fame and fortune and elusive and fleeting, and really not worth as much as she might think.
To the 30-something woman whose marriage has just crashed leaving her with 3 very young children to raise pretty much on her own, I would tell her to have more confidence in her own judgment. She would have benefitted from the realization that she knew as much, and indeed often even more, about her children and their needs than the schools or any experts did. I would tell her to trust her instincts, because they are usually spot-on. Her children are unique and wonderful creatures that do not, and should not have to, fit into any mold for the convenience of any school or other institution. I would tell her to have the confidence to call the bureaucracies of this world on their crap!
Furthermore, I want to her know that saying she’ll do something “as soon as…” is the same thing as saying she’ll never do it. “As soon as my kids get older, I’ll do…whatever.” Do it now! “As soon as” is today!
After I was married, I had a nice collection of records, but no stereo system to play them on. I wanted to buy a modest one that we could afford, but my husband nixed that idea because he wanted only a top-of-the-line, expensive, component stereo system that we could show off to our friends. We couldn’t afford it yet. “We’ll get one,” he told me, “as soon as I get out of school…as soon as I start making more money.” As soon as. So the years went by, and in desperation, I played my music on my little son’s Donald Duck record player. They didn’t sound great, for sure, but at least I had my music. Once we decided our marriage was over—the very day he moved out in fact—I went out and bought a decent, but modestly-priced stereo system. I lovingly set it up in my living room, and brought all my records out. I listened to my records in the evenings when my kids were in bed, and during the day when I was cleaning house. I shared them with the kids, and we all sang and danced along to the Beatles and Neal Diamond. I made up stories for them about Mussorgsky’s Night on Bald Mountain and Ravel’s Bolero. Buying that stereo was one of the best things I ever did! Sometime later, when my ex came to pick up the kids for a visit, he saw and heard my little stereo system. He sneered at it, but I didn’t care. Maybe it wasn’t the best, but it was decent, and that was good enough. When my kids came home from their weekend with dad, they were bubbling over with the news that dad bought a stereo system “just like yours, mom!” I was so angry at him for thinking that impressing our friends was more important than pleasing ourselves. I was so angry when I thought of the records that were ruined by the Donald Duck record player! I was so angry at myself for not calling him on it when it was important to do so! I determined to never let “as soon as” dictate my life again.
To the 40-something career-driven professional, I would tell her not to be afraid to challenge the status quo. Be bolder! Satisfaction in one’s career life doesn’t come by playing it safe all the time. I would remind her that she has a lot to offer and she short-changes not only herself, but her employer if she doesn’t speak up more often. She has more good ideas than she imagines. Sometimes what seems like the craziest idea is the one that becomes the biggest successes.
And finally I would tell her to let the past go. Looking over her shoulder all the time will only guarantee that she will trip on an unseen pothole somewhere up the road. Let go of grudges. Forgive old hurts. Forget them, when you can. Move on. When you get rid of that old baggage, you make room for something new that’s waiting for you just ahead.
(I would also tell her to start exercising more—it isn’t easier to get started when you’re older, and it becomes much more important as the years go by!)
To the 50-something empty-nester, I would tell her that she cannot live her life through her adult children or her grandchildren. Only they get to do that. I would suggest that she embrace this time to do the things that she let life put on the back burner along the way. This is the beginning of a golden era in her life. She must take advantage of every precious hour, filling it with books, art, friends, and travel. Oh, and music. Always music. I would tell her to never stop learning, and to never stop seeking new experiences.
It’s hard for me to look back on my life and spot the instances when I should have done something differently. Everything I’ve done, whether bad or good, has led me to this point, and I’m glad to be here. I’m grateful for the lessons I’ve learned along the way and glad that there may be more lessons in my future. There is no expiration date on acquiring wisdom. (Well, there is that big one—the ultimate expiration date—but who’s to say for sure that learning stops even then?)
So, dear reader, I ask again: Have I become wise? The answer is, perhaps a little. I hope so.
By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is noblest; Second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third by experience, which is the bitterest.
~ Confucius
Wisdom is different than knowledge. Knowledge is the accumulation of facts. Wisdom is the discernment that comes from evaluating and using those facts. We often presume that wisdom comes with age. While that is sometimes true, there are still many of the older generation who have no such discernment and therefore no wisdom to offer us. Wise people can be found at any age. Perhaps it would be more useful to say that wisdom comes through experience. The experience itself doesn’t guarantee wisdom, however, but it may be achieved from reflecting thoughtfully on the lessons gained from the experience. Just living to an old age does not create a wise person. Being smart does not guarantee being wise either. Wise people are those who learn to question and doubt. Wise people are those who are not so sure of their sight that they refuse to consider other ideas or opinions. Wise people see the world from multiple perspectives.
From the perspective of my current circumstances of being retired and in my later sixties, I wish I could offer my younger self the benefit of some of the things I’ve learned along the way. Given the theory of relativity and all, is that really impossible to do? I’m not sure, but it’s worth a try, and if what I’m telling my younger self is meaningful to someone else too, well then, so much the better.
So, here goes…
To the almost 21-year-old girl who is dropping out of college to go to New York City to seek her fame and fortune, I would tell her that it’s very hard to go back to college later on. The longer you wait, the more likely it is that life will find a way to sidetrack your plans, and there will never be a better time than when you are unencumbered by the responsibilities that will be settled on you later. I would also tell her that she shouldn’t think of college solely as a training ground for a future career. I would encourage her to take some classes that will expand her mind and make her a more balanced human being. Classes like art, philosophy, history, literature. I’d like to remind her that she is charged with changing the world. If she’s going to do that, she will need to understand how the world got to where it is now. I would also tell her that fame and fortune and elusive and fleeting, and really not worth as much as she might think.
To the 30-something woman whose marriage has just crashed leaving her with 3 very young children to raise pretty much on her own, I would tell her to have more confidence in her own judgment. She would have benefitted from the realization that she knew as much, and indeed often even more, about her children and their needs than the schools or any experts did. I would tell her to trust her instincts, because they are usually spot-on. Her children are unique and wonderful creatures that do not, and should not have to, fit into any mold for the convenience of any school or other institution. I would tell her to have the confidence to call the bureaucracies of this world on their crap!
Furthermore, I want to her know that saying she’ll do something “as soon as…” is the same thing as saying she’ll never do it. “As soon as my kids get older, I’ll do…whatever.” Do it now! “As soon as” is today!
After I was married, I had a nice collection of records, but no stereo system to play them on. I wanted to buy a modest one that we could afford, but my husband nixed that idea because he wanted only a top-of-the-line, expensive, component stereo system that we could show off to our friends. We couldn’t afford it yet. “We’ll get one,” he told me, “as soon as I get out of school…as soon as I start making more money.” As soon as. So the years went by, and in desperation, I played my music on my little son’s Donald Duck record player. They didn’t sound great, for sure, but at least I had my music. Once we decided our marriage was over—the very day he moved out in fact—I went out and bought a decent, but modestly-priced stereo system. I lovingly set it up in my living room, and brought all my records out. I listened to my records in the evenings when my kids were in bed, and during the day when I was cleaning house. I shared them with the kids, and we all sang and danced along to the Beatles and Neal Diamond. I made up stories for them about Mussorgsky’s Night on Bald Mountain and Ravel’s Bolero. Buying that stereo was one of the best things I ever did! Sometime later, when my ex came to pick up the kids for a visit, he saw and heard my little stereo system. He sneered at it, but I didn’t care. Maybe it wasn’t the best, but it was decent, and that was good enough. When my kids came home from their weekend with dad, they were bubbling over with the news that dad bought a stereo system “just like yours, mom!” I was so angry at him for thinking that impressing our friends was more important than pleasing ourselves. I was so angry when I thought of the records that were ruined by the Donald Duck record player! I was so angry at myself for not calling him on it when it was important to do so! I determined to never let “as soon as” dictate my life again.
To the 40-something career-driven professional, I would tell her not to be afraid to challenge the status quo. Be bolder! Satisfaction in one’s career life doesn’t come by playing it safe all the time. I would remind her that she has a lot to offer and she short-changes not only herself, but her employer if she doesn’t speak up more often. She has more good ideas than she imagines. Sometimes what seems like the craziest idea is the one that becomes the biggest successes.
And finally I would tell her to let the past go. Looking over her shoulder all the time will only guarantee that she will trip on an unseen pothole somewhere up the road. Let go of grudges. Forgive old hurts. Forget them, when you can. Move on. When you get rid of that old baggage, you make room for something new that’s waiting for you just ahead.
(I would also tell her to start exercising more—it isn’t easier to get started when you’re older, and it becomes much more important as the years go by!)
To the 50-something empty-nester, I would tell her that she cannot live her life through her adult children or her grandchildren. Only they get to do that. I would suggest that she embrace this time to do the things that she let life put on the back burner along the way. This is the beginning of a golden era in her life. She must take advantage of every precious hour, filling it with books, art, friends, and travel. Oh, and music. Always music. I would tell her to never stop learning, and to never stop seeking new experiences.
It’s hard for me to look back on my life and spot the instances when I should have done something differently. Everything I’ve done, whether bad or good, has led me to this point, and I’m glad to be here. I’m grateful for the lessons I’ve learned along the way and glad that there may be more lessons in my future. There is no expiration date on acquiring wisdom. (Well, there is that big one—the ultimate expiration date—but who’s to say for sure that learning stops even then?)
So, dear reader, I ask again: Have I become wise? The answer is, perhaps a little. I hope so.
By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is noblest; Second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third by experience, which is the bitterest.
~ Confucius